I am a Monster
by NoInspiration55
Summary: Barry finds out who Savitar is. He does the only thing he thinks will stop him. His friends and family try to change his self destructive path. They can't seem to help him. There is a certain criminal who can help. Will Barry let them help him stopp Savitar or will he try on his own and not accept any help? Basically my idea what happens after episode 20 from season 3.
1. Chapter 1

After his encounter with Savitar and realising who he really was, Barry started running through the city as quick as possible. Thoughts were swirling around in his head.

He couldn't believe it. Future him was Savitar. He was the one who killed Iris and the reason Wally will be paralyzed. How could he become that thing? How can he do that to Joe. He had taken him in when he was a kid and this is how he returned the favour. By destroying his live, taking his daughter away from him and putting his son into a wheel chair. He was basically losing all his three children at once.

He was the reason for everything bad that happened to his friends and family. He had been feeling guilty enough about flashpoint and know he screwed up again. All his friends and family could have lived a normal live if he had just died that night, instead of his mother, like he was supposed to. Iris wouldn't have lost Eddie, if the Reverse-flash hadn't come after him again. Caitlin could be happy with Ronnie too.

If he hadn't changed the timeline, Cisco's brother would still be alive and Caitlin wouldn't turn into Killer Frost. All the terrible things that happen are usually his fault. Even his mother would still be alive if it wasn't for him.

Now he basically has to try and stop himself from killing Iris, but he will never succeed, because Future him knew every move he was going to make.

He couldn't beat Savitar. His friends and family are going to hate him when they find out, that it's his future self, destroying their lives. They had a hard-enough time to forgive him after Flashpoint. But this was something so much worse. He can't even blame them. He hadn't forgiven himself yet for being selfish and changing the timeline, he probably never will. He still hates himself for being so stupid. The best thing would be, to lock him up in the pipeline. That's where he belongs. He is no better than all the other meta humans he put there, maybe even worse. He deserves to be locked up after everything he has done or will do in the future.

Suddendly he started to get dizzy and realized he had been holding his breath while running. Quickly he stopped and tried to breath in some air. Gasping for air, he started to panic when he realised he couldn't get any air in any more. Theoretically he knew he was just hyperventilating, but rationally he still tried to get some air in. Until everything went black in front of his eyes and he collapsed to the floor, his breathing returning to normal, when he wasn't panicking anymore.

When he wakes up, he is lying on the floor in some dark alley. Quickly he gets up and flashes to their apartment. He knows Joe will start looking for him soon, he had to get his act together, before he goes back.

How is he going to stop Savitar, if it is himself? Suddendly a thought flashed through his head. If I don't survive Savitar will never exist and Iris will live. The only way to stop him, is for himself to die. Like Eddie, when he died and Reverse Flash ceased to exist.

The more he thought about it, the more he liked his plan. Things are going to be better without him anyways. Wally can take over as Kid flash, Iris will survive and find someone new. They will probably get over his death rather quickly and in the end the world will be a better place. He won't screw up their lives anymore.

Before he could change his mind. Barry went to his room and changed into his normal clothes, lying the flash suit onto the bed. Cisco would kill him if he destroyed his precious suit.

He went into the kitchen and took a large knife. Suddendly it hit him full force what he was about to do. He had self-harmed for some time after his mother's death, but he managed to stop again. He didn't want to die, but it was the only way to save everyone. He went into the bathroom and filled the bathtub with icy water. He would heal more slowly in the cold so he hoped he would bleed out faster.

He got into the freezing water, shivering when it touched his skin, and thought again, if this was really what he wanted. Tears started to stream down his face when he slowly lowered the knife to his wrist. He made a deep cut on his left wrist, it hurt a lot, but he didn't care. The water already started to turn red and he was shacking now. He cut his other wrist open and then he positioned the huge knife near his abdomen. He gathered all his courage and slowly pushed the whole knife into his abdomen. He cried out in pain, his hands shacking, but he pushed on until the knife was buried to the hilt. Before he could pass out from the pain and blood loss, he pulled the knife out again and quickly rammed it in at a different place. Black dots started to appear in front of his eyes and he knew it would be over soon.

With his last strength, he weakly pulled the knife out and it clattered onto the floor next to the bath tub. A relieved sigh escaped him, he would see his parents again soon. He thought about all the people he was saving with this and he didn't regret it at all.

Everybody is safe now, was his last thought before he lost consciousness.

* * *

 **I know it is kind of short. I will post more chapters soon.**

 **I hope you like it and I appreciate all reviews.**

 **Looking forward to your opinion**


	2. Chapter 2

Barry groaned. Everything hurt. He tried to remember what happened, but everything was fuzzy. Suddenly everything was back in a flash(XD). He remembered finding out Savitar's identity and then trying to kill himself to save everyone.

Was he dead? He didn't feel dead. He opened one eye a bit to pear through. He sighed. Shit. He was at Star labs. That meant he was still alive. They probably didn't have Star labs in heaven.

So, they must have found him to soon. How was he going to explain, why he did it? He couldn't tell them he was Savitar. They would hate him. He tried to close his eyes and fall asleep again, but he was fully awake now. He couldn't face them. He opened his eyes fully now to look around the room. Great he was alone. He sat up. Now he just had to speed out of here, before they realised he was awake.

"Don't even think about it." A stern voice sounded from behind him. Damn, Joe was here. Barry thought about speeding away anyway, when he suddenly saw the meta cuff. Great, now he was trapped here and without his speed he would never get away.

Joe stepped in front of him and looked at him with a half angry and half hurt face

"What were you thinking Barry? Why would you try to kill yourself? You could have come to us, with whatever was on your mind. We don't want to lose you." Joe said, his voice cracking slightly.

Barry just looked away, trying to push his feelings down. He couldn't do this right now. He couldn't talk to Joe about it, because he knew once he got out of here he will try it again. He still deserved to die for everything he had done, or will do to them.

"Barry, please talk to me." Joe begged not liking Barry's silence.

But Barry was still inside his own head, with his thoughts turning darker every second, not acknowledging Joe's presence at all.

Barry was already plotting how he could still save his family and friends. He still doesn't want to die, but it is the only option to save everyone. He knows how devastated everyone will be, but he needs to protect them, even if they hate him for it at least they will be alive. Now that he thought about it. Maybe he should write a letter to explain his reasons. Perhaps that would help them overcome their grief once he was dead.

Barry was pulled from his destructive thoughts when he felt someone shaking him. He looked up. Joe was looking at him with tears in his eyes. "Barry please tell me what is going on», he begged.

Barry couldn't handle looking at Joe anymore. It hurt him so much to see Joe this devastated. He knew the others won't be much different once they knew he was awake. Quickly he looked away, trying to push away his own tears. Then he lay back down onto his bed and closed his eyes. He didn't want to have to deal with this all anymore. A lonely tear ran down his face and then he fell back asleep.

Leonard Snart didn't get offended easily. He usual had quite a thick skin. But this was just too much. He couldn't believe it. This was the third heist he pulled in a week. Which was quite unusual for him, he usually liked to lay low after a successful heist.

The first heist had been nothing special. His sister, Mick and he had robbed a precious diamond. Nothing unusual. The only thing bugging him was that a certain scarlet speedster hadn't shown up. He was always looking forward to their banter and it made it so much more interesting to plan a heist with the additional challenge.

As soon as he was in one of their safe houses. He started to plan another heist. On his own this time, because he hadn't seen the speedster in ages and if he was honest he did miss him a little even though he was offended for him not showing up last time. Maybe he had been busy? His sister had laughed at him and told him he was like a child throwing a tantrum for not getting what he wanted.

He didn't listen to her and two days later he pulled of his second heist.

Red didn't show up AGAIN. He was annoyed and starting to get pissed. So, a few days later another heist took place and Barry didn't make any appearance. Now he was angry. He was deliberately being ignored by the Flash. He hadn't shown up to either heist he had pulled and Len was fuming. No one would take him seriously if not even the Flash bothered enough to at least try and stop him.

So, Len made a decision. He will pay Barry a visit and demand some answers. He would get to the bottom of why the Flash wasn't showing up to his heists and if he found out that Barry was ignoring him on purpose. Well. If that was the case, he wouldn't want to be in the kid's place.

Joe was at a total loss. He didn't know what to do. It had been five days, since Barry had tried to kill himself and he hadn't spoken a word to either of them since. The entire day he was either sleeping on his bed at Star labs or he was just sitting there staring into space, not even acknowledging their presence. Caitlin had put some meta human cuffs on him as soon as he was healed. It had taken him an entire day to heal from the injuries he did to himself. After they had put the cuffs on him, they cleared the whole room from anything he could use to harm himself. They basically locked him into that room, but there was always someone with him, even at night. But he never talked.

 _Flashback_

 _Joe was wondering where Barry was. He had been gone for a half an hour already. He should have been back already. He decided to phone Cisco to see if he was busy as the Flash._

 _"_ _Hi Joe, what's up" Cisco greeted._

 _"_ _Hi Cisco, do you know where Barry is? He kind of ran out on us and I was wondering if he was busy as the Flash."_

 _"_ _Wait a minute. I am going to track the suit to see if he is at the lab. Uum. That's funny. His suit is at his apartment. He never takes it home with him. I guess he got tired."_

 _"_ _Thanks Cisco."_

 _After he had hung up the phone. Joe had a feeling that something wasn't right. It was his parental intuition that urged him to go to Barry's apartment right now. Why would he go home, instead of coming back here? And why did he leave in a hurry anyway? Something wasn't right._

 _20 Minutes later Joe arrived at the apartment. He knocked. Nobody opened._

 _"_ _Hey Barry, I know you are here. Come on kid open the door."_

 _No response. If he hadn't been worried before now he definitely was. He took out his spare key for emergencies and slowly opened the door. The apartment was dark._

 _"_ _Barry are you here?"_

 _When no one answered he slowly started to check the apartment. Maybe Barry was already in bed. He peaked into the bedroom. No Barry, but his Flash suit was lying on the bed which explained why Cisco tracked it here. Suddendly he saw the light in the bathroom._

 _He knocked. "Barry are you okay?" No response. "I am going to come in now Barry, if you don't answer me" Joe threatened and slowly opened the door._

 _His eyes winded in shock. Barry was lying in the bathtub; the water in it was red with his blood. His skin was nearly white, his lips had a light blue touch and his eyes were closed._

 _"_ _Oh no Barry." Joe cried out and ran to the bathtub. He quickly pulled him out of the freezing cold water and ran into the living room. He checked Barry's pulse. Thankfully there was a slow heartbeat. Quickly he ran into the kitchen to grab some towels. He pressed them onto his stomach. Barry groaned and tried to push his hands away. His eyes opened a bit. "No Joe just let me die" he mumbled and then he was unconscious again._

 _Tears started to build in Joe's eyes after hearing those words. Quickly he pushed his emotions down, he couldn't get emotional right now he had to save Barry first. After thinking for a few seconds he pulled his phone out and called home._

 _Wally picked up. "Hey Dad what's up? Did you find Barry." He said cheerfully._

 _"_ _Wally, I need you at his apartment right now. Please hurry." Joe said and hung up._

 _He had barely hung up when Wally walked in._

 _He saw Barry on the couch and his eys widened. Barry had been his role model for the last months and they started to do a lot together. "Dad what happened to him" Wally asked his voice quivering._

 _"_ _I will explain later, we have to save him first. I need you to get him to Star labs as quickly as possible and then go get Caitlin. You know where she lives. We have to hurry, I don't know how long he will survive."_

 _Wally grabbed Barry and sped off._

 _Thankfully Star labs was only 5 minutes from Barry's apartment, so Joe quickly went over too._

 _Caitlin was already there working on Barry when Wally speed in with Cisco and moments later was back with Iris._

 _"_ _What happened to him Dad? Did Savitar do this?" Wally asked fearfully._

 _"_ _I don't know what drove him to this. But he tried to kill himself." Joe whispered looking down onto Barry's limp body._

 _"_ _No way, he would never do that. Not with Savitar still around. What if he was attacked?" Wally said not really believing that Barry would do something like this._

 _"_ _He awoke for some seconds, he said and I quote: No Joes just let me die. So, I am quite sure he did it. I found him in his bathtub and the knife was lying next to it." Joe said with a frown._

 _"_ _What happened. He was fine when he left us. Why would he do this to us?" Iris whispered. Silent tears where running down her face and she was clutching Barry's lifeless hand._

 _A heavy silence settled in the room, when all of them started thinking, what reason Barry had to try and kill himself._

 _"_ _I think I managed to stabilize him. He will pull through" Caitlin said into the silence._

 _"_ _Oh, thank god" Joe said with a sigh._

 _"_ _He will probably be sleeping until he is healed. Those were some grave injuries and I am giving him nutrients over his IV. His healing already kicked in and he probably will be fully healed in about a day. I cuffed him to the bed with some meta human cuffs so he won't be able to just run off when he is awake." Caitlin told them._

 _"_ _Well, let's wait until he wakes up." Iris said, still looking shell shocked that Barry apparently tried to kill himself._

Joe was glad they had put the cuffs on him, because as soon as he was awake he tried to flash away. Since waking up he had been in a depressed state and nobody could get through to him not even Iris. They were slowly running out of options to try and get him out of it. He wasn't eating or drinking either. So Caitlin still let the IV running with fluids and she had inserted a feeding tube. They had to hold him down for that. And he had tried many times to rip it out, so now someone would have to stay with him all the time. They didn't want to cuff both his hands.

Joe was spending all the time he could spare in Barry's room. Iris would come visit once a day, but he could see she was struggling hard with his suicide attempt. It didn't help that he wasn't talking to anyone. It was getting to much for her to handle.

They didn't even know the reason he tried to kill himself. He had seemed normal when he left their home. Something must have happened. Cisco had tried to find out where he had gone to when he left the house. But he couldn't track him.

He looked down at Barry who was sleeping. He looked so young when he was asleep. He had been having some nightmares since he tried to kill himself. He always woke up screaming. But he still wouldn't talk. Joe was at a point where he was hoping for a miracle to bring his son back.


	3. Chapter 3

**BARRYs POV**

It was midnight and Barry was lying at Star labs. He had been here for a week now and they hadn't let him go yet. Sure, he hasn't talked to any of them, but he was getting restless and his thoughts were getting darker and darker the more time he had to lie there and think about everything. He had to get out of here and finish what he started, before Savitar did anything.

At least they didn't stay with him every minute anymore. Tonight, was the first night that Caitlin could convince Joe to go home and sleep a bit, because Barry was fine on his own. He had started eating again, he had been getting fed up with the feeding tube. They had cuffed him to the bed, so he couldn't harm himself.

Suddenly he heard footsteps. He sighed internally, Joe was back. He looked up and his eyes widened. None other then Leonard Snart was standing in the cortex in his full Captain Cold gear.

"Well, well, if it isn't the scarlet speedster, who has ignored all my heists this week, fancy meeting you here" he said and smirked.

 **Leonard Snart POV**

Len had decided to go to Star labs at night for answers on the whereabouts of the flash. He hadn't been seen this week and he wanted to know what was going on.

When he walked into the cortex, due to the serious lack of security at Star labs, he sees the kid lying in a hospital bed. When he looked up his eyes widened. "Well, well, if it isn't the scarlet speedster, who has ignored all my heists this week, fancy meeting you here" he said and smirked.

He started walking towards the kid and Barry didn't even look scared.

"What do you want Snart" Barry growled, and Len was taken aback at the kids anger.

"Well, I was a bit offended that I didn't get a speedster trying to stop me at my heist this week, so I decided to come check in, but now I see that you are obviously injured somehow, so I guess my heists weren't ignored on purpose." Snart explained looking the kid over for an injury that warranted staying in bed for a week. But the kid looked fine. The only unusual thing about his appearance were the black eye rings and the lifeless look in his eyes. Even if he wouldn't admit it out loud, he was concerned about the kid's wellbeing. Suddenly he saw the hand cuff cuffing the speedster to the bed.

"And why would your precious science friends decide that it is necessary to cuff you to the bed?"

"None of your business and if you aren't going to help me get rid of them you can leave." Barry said glaring at him.

"I don't think they wouldn't have cuffed you without a good reason and it is my business if you can't show up to my heists. Maybe I should use the time to pull a few more and get some easy money." he said with a smirk.

"Don't you dare." Barry said glaring even more. It was cute how the kid thought he was intimidating. It looked more like a pouting puppy.

"Well if you don't want me robbing things how about you tell me why you are cuffed to the bed?" Snart asked, still curious.

Suddenly the kids attitude was gone and he visibly deflated and looked down at his hands.

"Why do you even care" Barry mumbled.

Quickly Len stepped to the side of the kid's bed and crouched down, so he could see the kid's eyes. They were filled with so much sadness it broke his heart. The kid was supposed to be happy, going around and stopping criminals. He shouldn't be sad.

He took one of Barrys hand into his own. "Barry, I may be a criminal and your enemy, but even I think that you deserve to be happy. And just so you know usually it helps to talk about whatever is bothering you, at least my sister always felt better after talking about it. So, if you want I am here to listen." he said softly.

Barry looked at him with a calculating gaze and Len knew he was trying to decide if he should trust Len. Then he seemed to come to a decision and looked at his hands.

"I tried to kill myself" he murmured barely audible. Snart's eyes widened and he quickly scolded his face.

"And why would you do that Scarlet?" Len prodded gently.

"Had to protect them" was the only answer he got. After that Barry turned away from him and curled in on himself clearly dismissing him.

"Look kid I understand if you don't want to talk to me about this, but whatever you think you did to them. You don't deserve to die for it. You are a hero and you make mistakes too, but you are still a good person. You keep telling me there's good in me, so now it is my turn to tell you, that you, Barry Allen, are a good person. So whatever thing you think is big enough that you need to die for it, you are wrong. The city still needs the flash." he says hoping that maybe the speedster will listen to him.

Barry doesn't even turn to look at him. His heart breaks at seeing barry like that, but he has a lot of friends and family to help him get better, his help is no longer needed so he turns and walks out of the door.

 **BARRYs POV**

As soon as Cold leaves, Barry sits up looking after him thoughtfully. Even though he hadn't acknowledged it, the words had made him question his actions a bit. Not enough that he regretted it or wouldn't try again, but a little bit of doubt had started to form in his head.

He doesn't now why he even talked to Cold as he had ignored everyone else who tried to talk to him, but there was something about him. He is a criminal, but Barry kind of trusted him, even though he had betrayed him already. He had this feeling that this time he could trust Snart.

Still overthinking Snart's little speech he slowly drifted off to sleep.

 **JOEs POV**

When Joe woke up, he was confused at first, why wasn't he at Star labs. Then he remembered Caitlin making him go home yesterday. Quickly he got up and got ready for his day at work. He would visit Barry in the evening.

He was just about to get in his car, when his phone rang. It was Cisco. Worried he answered the phone.

"What is it Cisco? Is Barry okay? Did he finally say something?" he asked quickly.

"No, Barry is still the same. But there is something you should see. Can you come to Star labs?" Cisco asked.

"Yeah I'll be there shortly."

After hanging up he called Singh and took the day off. He had told the captain about what Barry had tried to do, so he understood Joe not coming to work again.

When he arrived at Star labs, he saw Barry was still sleeping. Cisco waved him into the control room with the security feed.

"You won't believe it, I was checking the security feed from last night. And Captain Cold was here." Cisco exclaimed. Showing Joe, the footage of him entering the building.

"What! " Joe shouted «what did he do? Did he harm Barry?"

"No, he didn't do anything, but the thing is, Barry actually talked to him. I don't now what they talked about, because theres no audio. But Barry talked."

Joe sat there stunned. Why did Barry talk to a criminal and not to them?  
Suddenly he got up and walked towards the door

"What are you doing?" Cisco exclaimed.

"Well if Barry only talks to Snart, then I am going to find him, and he is going to help us figure out how to help Barry. I don't care that he is a criminal, Barry talked to him so he better help us or else he is going to regret it." And with that he left the room.

* * *

Finally I managed to write a new chapter...

Sorry for the long wait. University is really hard at the moment so I didn't get to writing a lot.

But don't worry I won't abandon the story. The updates wont be to quick, but I will try my best.

So I hope you like the new chapter.

I would love to here your opinions.

Your comments always motivate me to start writing the next chapter.

Thank you very much for all the comments I already got.

I would also love to hear any ideas for the plot.


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